There is a famous Buddhist teaching about seeing a tea cup as already broken. Even though it currently could be intact and firmly in our hands, the truth is the cup we are holding is bound to break one day, or get lost, or even stop being a favorite. So that event, that breaking or losing, is inherent in the the cup and in our relationship to the cup. This is true, actually, of all things in life and the world, since nothing is permanent.
This feeling of impermanence can lead us in two opposite directions. One is attachment, obsession, fear: this is precious, I must cling to it and protect it. The other is carelessness and indifference: if it is already broken, already lost to me, then what's the use of caring?
So what to do? How to care about something on one hand and be completely free from attachment to it on the other? Tricky business but not without a solution, a third way of being: appreciation. Knowing that something is already broken can give rise to appreciating it here in the moment, just as it is.
And letting it shatter when it's time for that, too. When something has been deeply appreciated, it's ironically a little easier to let it go and feel all the things that shattering brings: sadness, regret, nostalgia, even more appreciation.
So in sweeping up my favorite broken platter, I allowed myself to start missing it, to remember how much I enjoyed it, how I used it to serve up polenta with ragu in the winter and big, scattered salads in the summer. I remembered the person who gave it to me and the many kitchens and dining tables it had graced. And then I carefully emptied the dust pan full of broken, jagged pieces in to a brown paper bag and carried it outside to the garbage bin. Thank you very much, favorite platter, and so long.
(Image: Flickr member pygment_shots licensed under Creative Commons)
Comments (27)
My somewhat similar experience, started when I let a favorite oval bowl slip from my hands. My perception was instantly shifted into slow motion. I made a remarkable [almost] save with my foot, soccer-style and caught the bowl with my hand [again, almost] and eventually watched the bowl contact the floor and shatter. Shift back to regular speed perception.
I felt it was important to replace it. It was a well known brand was easily replaced with an totally identical bowl. I like the new bowl, it fills the niche left by the old bowl physically but it is somehow a stranger. I can't pick it up without remembering the frightening milliseconds that ended its predecessor.
Thank you for this post. Perhaps I will see all my frangible possessions in a different light and understand that in some measure they contain an element of already broken-ness.
What a lovely post, and what a nice illustration of that valuable teaching. It reminds me of my favourite Leonard Cohen lyric: There is a crack in everything / That's how the light gets in.
And there is something really warm about "missing". I haven't been able to put it into words.. but to miss someone or something has a very sweet quality to it.. Maybe it's what needs to come before you miss them or it, or maybe it's the tenderness we all seem to hold "missing" hrmmm... I am not sure..
This reminds me of a feeling I used to get when I had something that I thought was precious or special... I would put it somewhere safe so that it was out of harms way, but in doing so I would prevent myself from actually using and enjoying the thing I was trying to protect.
It's a silly thing really, what is the point of owning something that is meant to be used, if you are going to store it away for "special" occasions (which usually never come around)?
I've grown up a little since then and the things I think are most special are the ones I use most often... I want to get as much use and enjoyment from them before they do, inevitably, break. This goes for kitchen and dining "things", clothes, shoes, furnishings, everything. :)
I had a similar experience when my a large number of my dishes were broken via poor packing by a sister who had been borrowing them. My initial reaction was frustration and sadness...but I realized that it was an accident with a valuable lesson for her (namely, ceramics go in smaller boxes and need to be well padded). Instead of being angry, I handed her the sherds and asked her to turn them into something for me. She created mosaic garden stones. Now those dishes (which were, incidentally, the first settings my parents owned as a couple) have found a new life...and acquired deeper meaning for me.
So- instead of lamenting the loss of favorite things, maybe they can be used to make new memories?
It is nice to see that the thing is important to you not because of the value of the object itself, but because of the memories it triggers and people with whom you associate it. To me that's not materialistic at all.
I too have things that I hold dear purely for sentimental reasons. A necklace, a mug, an album, just to name a few. They all transport me to a special place when I use them. It's always a great sadness when those things are no longer there to help that memory along. Sometimes there is a good replacement, sometimes not.
This post is amazing to me. I think I always saw the Buddhist ideal of non-attachment as more being on the "I don't care at all." This was a really great illustration on how non-attachment isn't not caring, its being able to apperciate in the moment instead of worrying.
Such an interesting post... I think I would see the loss of the platter as maybe being made up for by the thoughtfulness of neighbours who check you are ok... having had a similar level of noise after a vigorous disagreement with my Kitchenaid, I suspect there could be a herd of wildebeest in my apartment and my neighbours would not make a peep. So, I think the attachment in relation to people rather than things is a good one. And I would much like to have your level of serenity under pressure!
Sometimes though, it is too hard to part with your shards. You can send a shard to me to make you a piece of jewelry and trash the rest. www.ibreakplates.com
A few years ago, I bought one of those Holmegaard lamps that are constructed entirely of one piece of glass. I love this lamp and when I was pregnant seriously considered putting it in storage until my daughter went to college. So instead of living without my favorite lamp for 18 years, I opted to teach me how to live with the things around her. At a dinner party, my 19 year old stepson decided to place his glass a little too close to it and it cracked. I was devastated! Thankfully, my husband is a clever artist, so he mended the lamp with colored epoxy resin with some phosphorescent pigments mixed in, so now I have a truly original lamp that glows after I turn it off!
I found this post very moving. It struck me that this concept applies equally to our relationships. Friendships and loves come and go. All we can do is appreciate those people with whom we choose to share our lives.
Similarly to Tatterhood, a friend saw her grandmother's dinner set shatter as a shelf collapsed.
She turned an unused and unappreciated heirloom into a mosaic around a large ceramic plant pot.
Now she has a direct connection to it along with a unique art-piece, which is more than she was getting from it before.
I did the same thing yesterday... BUT with a beautifully glazed pot... and I wanted to cry. BUT I have to say I kept all the pieces, and will probably use them in a mosaic someday... so I can enjoy them all over again, in a mosaic so they "live" all over again!
The Buddhist teaching is a bit disconcerting to me, but I really appreciate the way objects were treated in my house growing up. I knew my mom treasured her special antiques, so I was careful with them (though it didn't prevent any of us from using them). When I inevitably broke one here or there, she never was upset with me. She always told me she cared about me more than the object.
You are stronger than I am in throwing your favorite plate away. I have many boxes full of the pieces of a special porcelain box, a china cup or an Italian bowl. Many others I have glued back together and found a new life for or hung on the wall. Old friends are kept for life.
This is by far my favorite post on this site, which is saying something since there are so many! Anyway, I've never heard this expression, but find so much comfort in it as it applies to people, even. Thanks!
This was a very nice post, and all great comments too.
I think the Buddhist proverb could be detrimental for some people if applied to relationships... even though in some cases it proves true. True when applied to objects & maybe even pets, but I think it's important to hold to the belief that every relationship has the potential to be a life-long friendship full of love. The thought that every friendship will eventually end is a very depressing one.
That's not to say I don't agree to the lessons here. It's is so important to appreciate the memories a special thing or place brought you, while accepting their passing. It reminds me of when our old favorite bar in my home town closed suddenly. There was that feeling of "But I didn't even get to say good bye!". I still get a little twinge of sad each time I drive past the building, but our friends still remark about the great memories created there. No use crying over spilt milk, eh?
I read this Sunday morning and reflected on it all day. Really appreciate the reminders about impermanence and attachment. I agree with others that they apply equally to people as to platters. If we live in appreciation for our relationships as they are rather than resentment that they're not how they should be or fear that they will change or end, everybody wins. :-)
Nicely said. Did you try gluing it? Just kidding.
If nothing ever broke, I guess we'd never fully comprehend the energy that surrounded it.
Two years ago a shelf holding four platters we received for our wedding fell, breaking them all beyond repair. It was an interesting lesson because I remember at the time we received them thinking "how many platters does one person need?" and wondering why they didn't stick to our registry. But beautiful platters hand-carried from Scotland, Door County, Wis. and a boutique in Milwaukee were given to us and we used them all the time. When they broke I was very sad, but had a similar "letting go" of being grateful that we had them and thanking people who were so thoughtful. And at least we were all safe.
@leemcknight i thought the same exact thing. I have some good friends who have recently told us they are moving away. This post was really what I needed to hear today.
@laurabelk it's not that the relationships are definitely 'ending', but there are times when you will be very close to someone, and other times when you or they will drift away, maybe because of a physical relocation or maybe because of life changes. If people always stayed very closely attached to each other they wouldn't be able to make new relationships and sometimes they wouldn't be able to grow. Be thankful for the season you are in and the people you are blessed with now, appreciating not just the people you love but the way your relationship is now, is what I get from the article.
I had similar feelings about a beloved inexpensive statue I had bought at a dime store...it seems I was prepared to let it go, that I wasn't as sad as I thought because it could be part of my memories, intact.
Wow, I don't usually CRY when I read a post on thekitchn!! Really caught me off guard. So moving. Made me think about how you try to protect your children but have to allow them to make their own mistakes. And about dropping platters, of course!
what a beautiful post!! thank you for sharing. i, too, have lost favorite things before—only to be quickly reminded by my betrothed that they are, indeed, merely things. how beautifully you put it, though, to remember all the reasons the broken thing brought you joy as you say goodbye to it.
wishing you many more happy kitchen memories!
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